


But he wanted her.

by CatherineBuntaichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, One Shot, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4361534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineBuntaichou/pseuds/CatherineBuntaichou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only we could always have everything we wanted.  Or everyone.<br/>For those in the Survey Corps, that kind of wish will remain just that--a wish, a dream, a hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But he wanted her.

**_But he wanted her._ **

****

Night falls quickly on a place with no hope.

And in that same darkness, it becomes all too easy to lose sight of who you are, what you want.

For Erwin, that was always a blessing in disguise.

 

At night, in that seemingly never-ending darkness, he could be whoever he wanted to be, and he could do whatever he wanted to do.  He did not have to be a hero, he did not have to be brave.  Hell, he could even cry if he wanted to.  He could cry his stupidly childish eyes out and reduce himself down to a nobody, something that he had always quietly longed for in the back of his mind.

 

When he looked into her eyes, the person that he saw did not seem like Erwin Smith.  He could forget that his fate was already outlined for him if he stared long enough.  To her, he was not so amazing and extraordinary.  And for once, that was okay. 

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

Erwin did not answer Hanji’s question for several minutes.  Instead, he gently pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes.  If he thought about it hard enough, he could still bring himself back to those days when things were still so innocent and carefree, when there was no dependence or attachment, when they were not so broken.

 

“Things are…different now,” Erwin murmured at last, opening his eyes. 

 

“That’s just how life works, right?” Hanji replied. 

 

Before, there were no strings attached.  There were no unspoken promises and no bonds that had any real hold on their lives.  They could do whatever they wanted and no repercussions were waiting for them.  They were just kids.

 

But now, the fate of the entire world rested in their hands.  Personal affairs did not matter, nor would they ever compare to the weight of the burden they carried now.  They would never be able to return to those days—they could only find brief escapes.

 

“Even still, I…feel bad,” Erwin admitted, pulling back to look her in the eyes again.

 

“You feel bad?  What for?”

 

“For dragging you into this.”

 

“I would’ve joined the Corps no matter what, Erwin.  It’s not your fault.”

 

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

 

“Oh…you mean, _this_.”

           

Hanji let out a quiet laugh, her fingers intertwining with Erwin’s.  He could feel a slight tremble to her touch, and he could hear it in her voice.

 

“It’s all right.  I don’t mind.”  She paused, lowering her gaze.  There was a small smile on her face, so frail that it seemed it would fade away any second.  “I kind of always knew it might end up like this.”

 

“I can’t even hold you anymore,” Erwin said, slipping his left hand out of her grip and through her hair.  It was greasy and messy as ever, but it was comforting—she had not changed that much.  Not as much as him. 

 

“Erwin…”  Hanji gritted her teeth.  Her smile was gone, just like he knew it would. 

 

“We shouldn’t even be together like this.”

 

“Erwin, stop.”  Erwin could see little streams of tears rolling down Hanji’s cheeks.  “Please just stop.  I don’t care whether this is right or wrong.  I don’t _care_.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Erwin whispered, pulling her close. 

 

Though it had taken him years to realize it, Erwin knew that Hanji was a stronger person than him.  She knew what she wanted and how to get it, and she was willing to do anything to have it.  In that aspect, they were very alike.  Both were willing to take risks, even if it meant hurting other people, even if it meant hurting themselves.

 

But something about Hanji was different.  Something about the grace with which she handled everything—she had not let time force her to become an emotionless shell.  She could still cry and scream and laugh like nothing was wrong.  Despite being task-oriented and a scientist at heart, she still had a handle on who she was.

 

She was so different from him.

 

Erwin had instead thrown away his humanity.

 

He had sacrificed his own well-being for the greater good, for a near thankless job, for what would save the most lives and bring about the most change.  His identity would be forever altered due to his choices, and there was no undoing what he had done now.  He had mutilated his body and his soul, all for a dream that might never come true, for a dream he might not live to see realized.

 

Since the very beginning, Erwin had done his best to convince himself that this was how things were supposed to be.  He was never going to be able to settle down, he would probably never know real peace, and he might never understand true happiness.  The point of all of this was to change the world—that was what he had to do.  He understood his role and knew he had to fulfill his duties until the end.

 

He knew this was something he needed to do.

 

But he wanted _her_.

 

He wanted a life with her.  A chance with her.  Even a glimmer of a chance.

 

Had he accepted this truth years before, things might have turned out differently.  But he had instead shoved these feelings aside, like a martyr for his cause, and in result, he would never get what he wanted most. 

 

Erwin had been nothing short of a child in his training days.  He had played around and lived a good life, and he had gotten comfortable.  They both had.  They both got comfortable with each other, and it seemed like a good thing.

 

But then the world changed, and they were forced to grow up.

 

And now they were here in this tiny room, much more powerless than how they had started.  They were now just cogs in the machine they had created.

 

“I’m okay with just this…” Hanji finally murmured, her arms now wrapped around Erwin’s waist.  “I know this is as good as it’ll ever get.”

 

“But you deserve more,” Erwin replied, stroking her head.  “You deserve better.  You have from the start.”

 

“The start?  Erwin, the ‘start’ is over now.  It’s been over for a while.”

 

“Then…what should I do…?”

           

The bed shifted slightly as Hanji let go of Erwin’s waist; she placed her hands on either side of his face, a bitter smile crossing her lips once again.

 

“Just…be here now with me, like you are.  That’s all I can ask for now.”


End file.
